My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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