My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
