Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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