I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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