So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
