HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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