"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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