I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
