I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I just sharted jello shots
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