you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
