She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
