so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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