Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
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