I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
