I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
