what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The air was thick with penises
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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