it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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