found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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