I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
