If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
