Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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