I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
