I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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