I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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