ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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