I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
