I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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