Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
