Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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