HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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