Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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