Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
