I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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