Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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