Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
