I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
