My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
