I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
