I got chris browned last night
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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