Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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