Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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