Nicole vs. Life
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
