I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
