Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
