I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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