Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i will never coherently bang her
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
