I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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