He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
