I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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