I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
