apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
